I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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