I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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