when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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