I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize