I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
