dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
