I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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