I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
