Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
