dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
