What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
