I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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