There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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