I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
