I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
