If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
