So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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