My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
