I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
