I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
People in love make me want to vomit
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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