don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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