it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
