Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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