Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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