I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No more Irish car bombs ever.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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