Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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