hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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