You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
