entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
