Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
how does that bad decision feel?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
