Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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