you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
