I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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