True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I need to calm my uterus...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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