omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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