what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
