if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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