You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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