You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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