If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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