She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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