There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
