Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
