Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
