nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
