Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
