I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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