You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
