I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
