I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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