She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
