Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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