YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
wanna go halves on a baby?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize