cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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