So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
