What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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