i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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